From behind the lines

I’m looking over at Becky right now wondering if I should hold her or finish the last 100 or so words to make my writing goal for the day. We’re back from a movie and she’s feeling the remains of her entire life slipping away fast as the baby approaches. I’m sure that when the baby arrives it will make this all seem worth it, but right now we’re both kind of scared and pissed. I know people have commented on my crassness at the blog posts about how I view the baby right now, but I’m not going to spread whitewash bullshit here just to try and make myself sound better. I realize this is probably not the most endearing attitude to have a few days before our first child arrives, but what am I supposed to do about it?

The worst part right now is trying to make Becky feel better. I’m torn between hating to see her suffer and wanting to do anything to make her smile and being very lazy and selfish. I mean the first thing I thought of when I heard some people are in labor for multiple days was how I was going to stem off the boredom. Even as I right this I know its from the POV of someone without kids. I really do get that my life is going to change and that the baby is going to be the best thing to ever happen to me, but how do I explain that to my pregnant wife who is feeling old and fat and tired and just wants to have a glass of wine and dance like a college girl?

Some people may think that sounds horrible and that maybe she should just grow the hell up, and I might even be one of those people at times, but I look at myself and I’m no innocent myself. I’m going to get off very easy in this siuation since I will probably be at work during the most difficult times while raising this baby.

Why am I writing this then? Well, part of me just wants to document every honest emotion I have about this baby even if it’s not always happy. But I’m also looking for someone to tell me it’s okay to be scared to death and kind of angry and utterly confused. I want someone to tell me that it’s okay if my wife is not totally on board with this all right now that she’ll come around when she has the baby in her arms. I want somebody to tell me I’m not alone out here and that even though it may seem like it right now I’m not really an asshole and I’m not going to totally fuck up my life or my baby’s life.

Hollaback my people.

This, that, and the other thing

Becky and I went to see what will probably be out last movie in a theater for quite some time. We’re getting down to the wire now and the baby should be coming any time within the next couple of weeks. I think we’ve done everything we can to get ready but I’m still scared to death, but also very excited. I love looking at the little clothes we have and thinking about all of the cool stuff we’ll be able to do with him. I was at a Lions game on Saturday looking at all of the little buddies with their daddies and got very excited. We have also started getting stuff in the mail about the local school system and that’s got me thinking about our baby’s infinite possibilities as a person.

But there are still a few things I’d like to get in order before he comes. First is the Summer issue of Demolition. I’ve got a nice batch of stories I think readers will enjoy and want to make sure they get out there. I’m about 36k into the new book which is great and I’d like to get past the 40k mark just to have a nice hunk of momentum going so that it’s easier to get back to after a few weeks off if it comes to that.

Also, things are going to be changing here at this blog. I’m not exactly sure how things are going to play out, but I’m not shutting down here. This will be my home in the web universe for some time to come. I do want to keep people informed as the baby approaches (mostly to keep myself sane) and I’ll be doing that by Twitter. So if you haven’t signed up to follow me at http://www.twitter.com/bryonq then go do it right now. Any updates I send from the hospital will be sent to Twitter, not to this blog.

Carry on.

Playing Doctor

I did something earlier this week that most English majors never get to do. I submitted an essay to the Journal of the American Medical Association. Three days later I received my rejection letter but I’m happy for the experience. I was able to utilize, for myself, the manuscript submission website that I see our doctors use all the time. It was fun to fill out all of the conflict of interest paperwork and such that I also see our faculty doing. It made me feel like a professional writer. So even though JAMA passed on it, I still like this essay and thought you all might enjoy it as well. I never did come up with a good title so I’ll let the essay speak for itself.

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I work at a university hospital in radiation oncology and read a substantial amount of research in the field as part of my job. My background as an English major makes it easy for me to read the articles quickly and understand most of what I read. It wasn’t long before I developed the itch to make a literature contribution myself. Then I read an essay written by Reshma Jagsi, one of the faculty members in my department, as part of the “A Piece of My Mind” and I knew I’d found my opportunity. Her essay relied more on novel observations, beautiful phrasing, and a unique perspective than on her medical background. I’d spent much of my time in college honing my ability to develop novel observations and craft beautiful phrases, and I certainly knew I had a unique perspective to work from, I just had to find a subject to write about.

It was shortly after this I found out my wife was pregnant with our first child. I inevitably developed a hyper-awareness of the end of the life details that surrounded me even as I focused my outside attention on bringing new life into the world. I started noticing the tiny babies who come in for treatment and the ever present pediatric anesthesia teams hovering ominously around the treatment rooms. There were also the patients with small children and spouses that made me contemplate my own family. I was simultaneously relieved that I had a healthy spouse and, so far, a healthy baby and also grieved that I was using the suffering around me for emotional gratification and, worse, writing material. I was staring too long at the extreme cases, trying to note the details that would make for stunning prose, or avoiding eye contact in an awkward alleviation of guilt.

I didn’t think about the project for a while until I started transcribing batches of faculty evaluations and the focus of many of them was on the coming research and writing projects for the year. I’d gone into my project with one goal and had run into resistance and obstacles but instead of giving up, maybe I needed to look at the project in a different light. Maybe it wasn’t the essay that should be the focus, rather the process by which the essay is created. One of my favorite fields of study in literature and writing is post-modernism where the topic of a story or novel is the creation of that story or novel. I’m fascinated with processes and thought that might make an excellent focus.

Once I started examining the process, I had to finally admit to myself what my true aim of this project was. I wasn’t trying to hold myself to any sort of high standard or make a true contribution to the field. I was trying to impress our faculty members and our chairman. My dream wasn’t to have my essay somehow impact the field of radiation oncology and influence future research, it was to have the doctors in my department read it and pass it around and look at me in a new, improved, light. Essentially I wanted to be treated as a peer when the only effort I’d put into was an essay that didn’t even require any research.

Now the conclusion: Why am I still writing this essay if it’s nothing more than an exercise in narcissism and poor self-esteem management? Because above all else, more than being a student, or a researcher, or an admin, I’m a writer. An honest writer never shies away from looking like a fool and an honest writer never wonders how his writing will be interpreted in the future or what his place will be in the literature. He observes his surroundings, reports what he sees, and leaves it to the reader to determine the role of the piece. And maybe he harbors a little bit of hope that a doctor will think his essay is kind of cool.

Of Note

-Becky and I went to the the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 last night and I’m sure people were thinking she dragged me when it was really the other way around.

 

-Got to hang out with Michael Koryta Friday night while he was in town for a book signing. That’s a great kid with a great future. Despite blurbing Dave’s book.

 

-Realized I’ve only been working on my latest book for two and a half months instead of four. That makes my progress seem much cooler.

 

-The Lions are 2-0. Sure it’s only preseason but we’ll take what we can get. I LOVE watching Calvin Johnson play football.

 

-I caught up on submissions and other assorted work for DEMOLITION. Will start the Summer issue this week. I can’t believe this January will be three years I’ve been running DEMOLITION. I’m going to make some cool flyers for the zine to pass out at Bouchercon and hopefully raise the profile a little more.

 

-Got my panel assignment for Bouchercon in October. I’ll be talking on Thursday morning about ezines and whether they are the new anthologies. Moderator is Sean Doolittle, one of my favorite authors, and one of my panelists is Rick Helms, editor of The Back Alley Webzine and the man who gave me my first check for original fiction.

 

-Realized I’m even worse now on Super Mario Brothers 3 than I was back when it first came out. Becky is a freakish Mario savant who had too much time on her hands as a child

 

-Went to see my aunt and uncle in Jackson yesterday. My uncle is the one who gave me all of the most inflectional books on my writing along with my first typewriter and a whole lot of support

 

Ball Handling

Our dog is off getting his little balls removed today. Hopefully this, and some other changes we’ve made, will make it easier for all in the house to get along. I’ll be picking him up after work and keeping him company tonight while he rovers. As much as a love my little dog, I’m sad I have to miss a showing of the documentary MURDER CITY: 100 YEARS OF CRIME IN DETROIT at the Michigan Theater. I’m sure it will be released on DVD at some point though. They always are.

You’ll notice I’ve added a new section over on the side for my appearances. I’ll be popping up a couple of places over the next few months signing copies of the PRISONER OF MEMORY and HARDCORE HARDBOILED anthologies that feature my short stories. Right now there are two appearances scheduled. The first is in September at the Kerrytown Book Festival. I’m very excited about this one because I’ve been going to this festival since before I moved to Ann Arbor and it’s cool to come full circle and be an invited person instead of a fan. Also appearing at the festival will be two of my old professors from University of Michigan – Flint so it will be cool to show them how far I’ve come.

And then the next appearance will be at Bouchercon in Baltimore. Again, this is something I started attending mostly as a fan, and now I’ll have books to sign and maybe even a panel to speak on. All in just four years. Maybe the next one I’ll attend will be with a book deal.

Legacy

I’m in a very conflicted place as birth of our first baby speedily approaches. On one hand I’m very excited to get this phase of my life started. We’ve been buying baby stuff like crazy while we still have disposable income and it’s always fun. Over the weekend we were at Babies R Us and we got the cutest little dinosaur costume for the baby for Halloween. The nursery is pretty much ready to go and things look good.

But the darker, more selfish part of me wishes time would slow down a bit so I can savor the last bits of the time I’ll have to myself. I think I realize my life is going to change drastically, but I’m not sure even I know how drastically. Like I said, there are some selfish things I’ll miss like going to the movies alone anytime I want and spending lots of times at Borders and things like that. But I’m also very worried about how this is going to affect my writing. I’ve got a nice rhythm going now and I feel really good about this book and I don’t want all of that to come to a screeching halt.

I’m also going to miss all of the time Becky and I get to spend together. I was such a solitary person for so long who really enjoyed being by myself that I still find it hard to believe there is someone out there I like being around this much. In the relatively short amount of time Becky and I have had together we’ve had quite a bit of fun. We’ve traveled to Chicago, Cleveland (twice), Windsor, Toronto, Niagra Falls, Baltimore, Mackinac Island, and the Upper Peninsula. But there is so much more I’d like to do.

People say that with the baby around my priorities will change and he’ll become the center of my world. I’ve even heard stories of writers completely abandoning their careers to focus on their families. I love my family, but I hope that doesn’t happen to me. Does that sound awful? It’s not exactly that my life identity is tied up in my writing, but it’s a big part of who I am and what I want my life to account for in the grand scheme of things. Anybody can leave a kid behind on this earth (as evidenced by numerous viewing of Maury and Jerry) but very few people can leave a body of published writing behind.

Okay, I’m going to stop now before I say anything else that makes me sound like a crass dick.

Life and Death

This weekend was one of remembrance and a lot of walking. Saturday was my grandma’s 90th birthday party so Becky and I made the trip up to Flint to see her and eat very nice cake and a very bitter potato salad. Sunday, Becky wanted to go visit the graves of her grandparents and some other very close relatives.

This was a cool trip for me because the graves were mostly in cemeteries around Detroit so it was view of the city I don’t get very much. In southwest Detroit the parks were absolutely packed with Hispanic and Arab crowds playing soccer. That’s the largest group of people I’ve seen playing soccer in the park over age 11. After we visited her family graves, we headed up Woodward Avenue to the cemetery where my grandpa is buried. After hunting around for hours and not being able to find it we finally gave up. I was shocked that the front office wasn’t open on a Sunday after noon. Wouldn’t you think that would be the biggest day for family visits?? We also had a little prayer session as we contemplated bringing our baby into the world as a new life surrounded by reminders of how fleeting and precious life is.

Then I went and bought some books. I was most excited to see that the new PJ Parrish book SOUTH OF HELL is out. This book takes place in Ann Arbor and that makes me happy. I took some time off from working on the novel to revise a short story sent back to me by an editor considering it for an anthology. The story needed to be leaner and quicker and I think I made some good revisions. We’ll see how that plays out. While I was in the middle of the revisions I was amazed how much I still enjoy the art of revision.